Took a charter flight on a DC-10 to London 
Landed at Heathrow took a cab to the city center Don't let people lie to you, hostels are for the ugly I'm staying at Home House, the most beautiful hotel in the world Called a friend from school who was selling hash, but she wasn't in Met a couple of Brits who take me to all places, Camden Street I flirt a bit at the Virgin Megastore, buy some CDs, then follow some girls with pink hair I wandered around trying to get laid until it started to rain, then went back to Home House "Ministry of Sound" is dead, so I go to "Rem Forum," but it's "Gay Night" I find one hetero girl at the place and we dry-hump on the dance floor We cab it back to Home House, I strip her clothes off, suck her toes and we fuck Hung out for four or five days, met the world's biggest DJ, Paul Oakenfold Kept missing the Changing of the Guards Wrote my mom a postcard I never sent, bought some speed from an Italian junkie, he was trying to sell me a stolen bike Smoked a lot of hash that had too much tobacco in it Saw the Tate Saw Big Ben Ate a lot of weird English food It rained a lot It was expensive and I'm jonesing, so I split for Amsterdam The Dutch all know English so I didn't have to speak Dutch, which was a relief I cruise the red light district, visit a sex show, visit a sex museum, smoke a lot of hash I meet a Dutch TV actress and we drink absinthe at a bar called "Absinthe" The museums were cool Lots of Van Goughs and the Vermeers were intense
Wandered around bought a lot of pastries, and some intense waffles We bought some coke and I cruised the red light district until I found some blonde with big tits that reminds me of Lara I gave her 100 guilders In the end, she pulls me out, I come between her tits even though I'm wearing a rubber Afterwards, we made small talk about AIDS, her Moroccan pimp and herself I wake to the sound of a wino singing It's 8:00 a.m. and hot as blazes I pretend to ice-skate around Central Station trade songs with a Kiwi girl, then split to Paris by train Wandered the Champs-Elyssées, climbed the Eiffel Tower for only seven francs — because the ticket machine was broken Got the hang of the Metro, took it everywhere Got to a Ford model party, hooked up with a Romanian model named Karina She chugs my cock at the Marriott, ehich is good
Played billiards, went shopping I think she gave me mono Drove a Ferrari that belonged to the Saudi royal family Made out with a Duch model in front of the Louvre
Saw the Arc de Triomphe and almost became a road kill crossing the street "Oakie" invites me to Dublin, so I catch an Aer Lingus flight, stay at the Morrison — Dublin rocks like you cannot imagine Oakenfold lets me spin some disck with him
Irish girls are small as leprechauns I swap hickeys with a drunk woman After gropping my abs and calling me "Mr. LA" she strips for me in the bathroom of the club Sneak into the Guinness factory and steal some stout so good my dick goes hard I fly to Barcelona which is a bust Too many fat American students, too many lame meat markets I dropped acid at the Sagrada Familia, which is a trip to say the least Cruise up the coast to Museo de Gala Dali, but had no more acid, which sucked Some girl from Canada calls me on my cell, so I let her listen to the chirch bells Canta Cruz is beautiful but there are no gorls there, just old hippies So I went to Switzerland where, ironically, I couldn't find anyone with the time Took the Glacier Express to Shiltone which is beautiful in a way I can't just describe EuroPass into Italy ended up in Venice, where I met a hot girl who looks like Rachael Leugh Cook, and speaks better English that I do She's living for a year on only five dollars a day
We gondola around, buy hash She thinks I'm a capitalist because my hotel room costs more for one night than she's spending on her entire trip She doesn't mind much when I pay the bills I ditch her and hook up with a couple who obviously want a threesome Too much tension there, bit the doofus offers to drive me to Rome, an offer I jump at Traffic is bad, we're stopped for hours without moving The wife's a freak The guy starts to wig out on me It's like a Polanski film We stop for a while in Florence, where I see some big dome A bomb goes off and I lose the weird couple, which is probably for the best Ended up in Rome, which is big and hot and dirty
Just like LA, but with ruins I went to the Vatican, whic is ridiculausly opulent Stood for two hours to get into the Sistine Chapel, which now it's been cleaned and looks fake I meet two underage Italian girls who I try to talk into fucking each other while I jack off onto them Bored I buy them some ice cream instead My hotel has a gym so I work out
I bump into some huy from Camden who says he knows me, but I'm sure that he's a fag, so I lose him I try to fart and instead I shit my pants Back in my hotel room I masturbate and have a pain in my groin That night I dream about a beautiful girl, half in water, stretching her lean body She asks me if I like it and I tell her she can clean fish with it I don't know what it means but I wake well-rested, masturbate in the shower and check out I make my way back to London, hang out in Piccadilly Circus I swap shirts with some upper-crusty Cambridge chick Hers was an Agnes B.; mine, it cost me my Chanel
She acts stuffy and prudish, but she is really wild underneath after all She barely looks at my abs, though she wants to
The next day I drop some acid and get lost in the subway for a full day and can't find my way out I meet a cute girl that lets me jack off onto her as long as no come gets onto her Paul Smith coat We get stoned while listening to Michael Jackson records The next morning I wake up talking to myself I had a big bump on my head from flailing in my sleep I get my stuff and barely make my plane back to the United States
I no longer know who I am and I feel like a ghost of a total stranger
А вам есть что рассказать про своё нефпупенно истраченное лето?
Оскар или Николай?
