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09:41 pm: on jesus

Jesus wanted to redeem humanity; and to redeem it he had to understand it; and to understand it he had to become part of it; and that is just what he did;

He unflinchingly surrendered to life, enjoying and suffering and experiencing all the thoughts and feelings and sensations and impulses of a real, flesh-and-blood human being.

Thus, as soon as Jesus was born,

Jesus wept.

And Jesus slept.

Jesus breast-fed; he nourished himself on the milk the Virgin Mary produced in her mammary glands; he sucked on her nipples to drink thereof.

Jesus weaned; whereupon Jesus ate; and Jesus chewed; and Jesus swallowed; and Jesus digested; and Jesus absorbed the nutrients; and Jesus excreted solid waste.

He performed an equivalent procedure for liquids.

Jesus learned to crawl, and was amazed; Jesus learned to walk, and was awestruck; Jesus learned to talk, and the sound of his own voice was a revelation.

The toddler Jesus had a blanket he took with him everywhere.

Jesus adored Mary and Joseph, and they him; he was obedient and full of love; they were tender and full of love.

At six, Jesus got chicken pox; for five days there were red blotches all over Jesus's face and body; then Jesus got better.

At nine the young Jesus began his apprenticeship with Joseph; throughout his childhood he learned the craft of carpentry; Jesus labored diligently; Jesus made many mistakes; but Jesus improved; Jesus grew competent; in time, Jesus grew masterful; and Jesus felt pride in his progress.

Jesus had childhood friends; they would amuse themselves by chasing each other through the fields, and throwing rocks at trees; over the years Jesus lost contact with them; Jesus regretted this.

Jesus had strange dreams about giant elephants, and removing his clothes in public, and being pursued by a giant sandal; upon waking he could only remember them partially; and he could not construe the meaning.

Jesus picked his nose when he thought no one was looking.

He did not put his finger all the way up there; only a little; and he never ate it.

Jesus would hear passerby singing songs, and the songs would get stuck in Jesus's head, and Jesus would would be unable to stop humming them for weeks.

Sometimes after meals Jesus felt queasy; he came to notice that this happened whenever he ate pistachios, to which he thus learned he was allergic; and refrained from consuming henceforward.

Jesus reached puberty; Jesus' voice broke; Jesus grew half a cubit in six moinths; Jesus sprouted pubic hair; and Jesus felt the adolescent's stirring of lust in all their cyclonic fury. And so Jesus masturbated; for no one, not even God's son, can pass through adolescence without masturbating; but he did it less often than most, and with commendable shame.

Jesus sampled wine on numerous occasions; several times he drank too much; one night Jesus vomited on the street; he woke up sick and tunic-besmirched, vowing never again to imbibe the fruit of the vine to the point of besottedness; and he never did.

Jesus ended his apprenticeship and opened his own shop; he made yokes and ploughs and other farm equipment; some projects he found satisfying; others drudgery; overall he found the work only mildly fulfilling.

But in his spare hours he devoured the Hebrew Scriptures, and the rabbinical commentaries thereof; and followed the events of his time with passion; and engaged himself completely with the world; a world he no longer looked down on, but was part of.

Until he had become like any 30-year-old human being, or rather, like the best of them: churning, and changing, and yearning, and questing; bursting with consciousness; throbbing with life.

But know this: Jesus never lay with a woman; Jesus never married; and Jesus certainly never impregnated anyone.

The Sayings of Jesus

It is easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle, than two camels.

What profiteth a man, if he gains the whole world, and loses his soul? Besides the whole world, I mean.

With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable; and with a good accountant all things are deductible.

Judge not, lest ye be judjed; unless thou art a judge; in which case, judge away.

Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin. Yet when thou... what? So I like flowers. So what?

If blind leadeth the blind, both shall fall into the ditch; which is pretty funny.

Man shall not live by bread alone. Yet at restaurants it is easy to forget this and end up fullbefore the appetizer.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; he leadeth me beside the still waters. Then one morning he bringeth me to the shed out back and boom!, he maketh me into lamb chops.

Do unto others as others would do unto thee the second thou turnest thy back, the bastards.

Can the Ethiopean change his skin, or the leopard his spots? Not that I meaneth to to compare Ethiopeans to animals. Ethiopeans have beautiful skin, actually. Why would they want to change it? I love Ethiopeans. Thou knowest what, forget this whole saying.

Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's; and to God the things that are God's. It might help to put them in two piles.

When thou givest alms, do not let thy left hand know what thy right hand is doing. Whereas with juggling the opposite is true.

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

And they shall beat their swords into plowshares; and their spears into pruninghooks; and their other weapons into other types of obscure agricultural equipment; and nation shall fight nation no more, but instead do dull farming stuff.

He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone. Then, stones 2 through 1000 are open to anybody.

The lion shall lie down with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the goat. And the products of these unions shall be liambs and goatpards, respectively.

I tell ye, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there," and it will move. Seriously. Try it. Hold on; I would get this on tape.

God never shuts a door without opening a window; for he wants thy house to be drafty.

Once his material was written, Jesus debuted it in his first major sermon, at a popular local venue known as the Mount; and on the strength of that appearance he gained a cult following.



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